I was thinking this morning, as I was grumbling to myself about how I can’t seem to get myself into gear so far this year and get anything accomplished. I was doing, or thinking, a lot of things that I normally do in this situation. About how I don’t have the time, that I can’t do it because my opinion isn’t worth much, that no-one’s interested anyway.
I wish I could say that it was that song that got me thinking. Actually, I was driving to work and looking at the dawn (I wish I could have got a picture but there was no conveniently timed red light) and I was listening to Immigrant Song by Led Zeppelin. Either way, I came to the realization that I sabotage myself. A lot. Usually with the type of thoughts listed above.
Looking back I’m not entirely sure when I started doubting myself so much; if there was one specific cause or just a gradual accumulation of negative influences. If you’re interested in reading (and I really think you should) the thoughts of someone who has a clearer idea of what led to some similar problems then go read this. Go on, I’ll wait.
Great article, isn’t it? It reminds me of the Larkin poem.
“They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do.”
Kudos to D.M. Newlun for writing & posting that. She’s on of the nicest and most supportive people I’ve had the pleasure of encountering this past year.
Anyways, ultimately the cause is somewhat irrelevant (and irrational, as the word suggestion tries to put in there) compared to what I can do about it. Turning around X amount of years conditioning isn’t something that will happen overnight. I’m sure I’ll have many more days of self-sabotage before I can cut myself loose from that way of thinking. The main thing that I have to do is learn to value myself and value what I do.